Being Single: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Over the course of my 23 years of living, I have been single for...all of them. It's not that I haven't dated, it's just that none of my flings ever blossomed into relationships. Having never been in a relationship, I don't exactly know what I'm missing. This makes being single relatively easy. In fact, sometimes I worry that I won't like being in a relationship because I'm so used to my comfortable single life. Though the single life certainly has its ups and downs. Sometimes I feel incredibly thankful that I'm unattached, sometimes I get a little lonely, and sometimes I just get frustrated, wondering how the hell I'm still single.

The Good:

Being single is comfortable. I never have to worry about how dirty or messy my apartment is because I have no one coming over to impress. I can live in filth without embarrassment. It's also nice to be able to binge watch Netflix as I please and not have to wait for anyone before I can watch the next episode. And sleeping alone in my queen sized bed? Yes, please, thank you. I sleep like a starfish. There wouldn't be room for another person in there unless they wanted an arm across their face and a leg kicking them in the crotch. Oh, and leg shaving. I cannot even begin to describe how nice it is to not have to worry about keeping those things smooth. I can just let them grow and grow without a care in the world. Not to mention, winter is here and I need my fur coat.

The Bad:

It really sucks not having man hands around when I need a jar opened. I have small hands. It's difficult to get a good grip on those things, especially pickle jars. Those things are huge. It's also unfortunate when I have a bug situation in my apartment, like spiders or wasps (yeah, wasps). It'd be nice to have a guy around to pretend he's not afraid of the crawling or flying demons and kill them or, preferably, catch and release them for me. Also, I think my family has finally started to give up on me ever finding a mate. This is evident through birthday gifts I have received. One year, my mom got me a boyfriend pillow (yeah, those exist) while my grandma got me a Ryan Gosling coloring book and a box of crayons. The next year, my mom got me a life-sized cardboard cutout of Dean Winchester from Supernatural. If those aren't pity-the-poor-single-girl gifts, then I don't know what are.

The Ugly:

Sometimes, when I'm feeling really lonely, I just sit and think:

And you know what really sets off the loneliness? HGTV. I watch a lot of HGTV. Which leads to a lot of fantasizing about what I want my future home to be like and what house hunting with my future husband will be like. I see all of these happy (and not-so-happy) couples on shows like House Hunters and Property Brothers and I think, "oh my god, what if I never find that? How am I going to afford to purchase and renovate a home on my own? And who will be there to make all of the decisions for me?! What if that BuzzFeed quiz was right and I really am destined to be a third wheel forever?!" Thoughts like these lead to a downward spiral of binge eating and loneliness and I find myself ugly crying into a glass of wine and box of Cheez-Its while watching Meg Ryan movies.

But like I said, being single isn't so bad. I just avoid watching HGTV when my emotional hormones are out of whack and I call my landlord whenever I have a wasp break in. Who knows? Maybe someday my Prince Charming will come (okay, just threw up in my mouth typing that), but for now I am perfectly content with the rollercoaster ride that is the single life.